Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Suicidal Dentists.

 Why is it, that 3 days before my dream holiday, I develop horrendous tooth ache, when i don't get it at any other time of the year? I`ll tell you why. Because dentists are bastards. They have a clever secret way of secretly planting a secret 'toothache creating' miniature device inside your mouth, that is timed to go off just before a major event, so you HAVE to visit the dentists. They pay your hairdresser a small annual fee to inform them of when you are going away on holiday. Why else does the hairdresser always say " Going anywhere nice this year?" It's not because they care. They don't give a shit. It's because they get a fee for any info they can pass to the dentist, almost like a police informant. The dentist then uses this info to plant the tooth damaging, nerve attacking time bomb in your mouth during your routine checkup, so it goes off right before your holiday.See, Bastard.

So I thought I'd tell you about my trip to the dentists. I hate the dentists. Only 4 things scare me in life. Flying, men who wear skin tight jeans, flying with men who wear skin tight jeans, and the dentists. Everything about the dentists I loathe, from the softly spoken receptionists, to the out of date magazines in the waiting room, normally 'Bella' or 'Woman's Own'. This particular trip was for root canal, which I knew was going to be nothing but a painful experience.

There isn't room for me at the local NHS dentists, so I have to go private, and I'm sure the
exceptional fees I get charged pay for the shiny new uniforms they seem to be wearing every time I go there. Their figure hugging white tops that show a fraction of cleavage are definitely designed to lure you into a false sense of security and to relax. It would be like facing the executioner in medieval times, and as you approach the chopping block,you notice they are dressed in matching panties and peep hole bra, in an effort to ease your nerves. Well it doesn't work Mr Dentist. No matter how hard I try, I can't relax. So much so, that no matter what time of year it is, I have to go dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, as I sweat so much out of pure undiluted fear.

On this particular occasion, as it was going to be a long procedure, I was offered a choice of DVD to watch, which could be viewed on the TV screen that was on the ceiling. Genius idea I thought, what a great way to try and take your mind off things, as I know their figure hugging white tops that show a fraction of cleavage that are definitely designed to lure you into a false sense of security and to relax, don't work. There was a choice of several movies, and what was the first movie I came across.............Saw. Definitely not a movie that would ease my abject terror of all things dental.

I won't go into too much depth about the procedure, but needless to say, i was amazingly brave, so much so, that the dentist said "wow, you're amazingly brave, possibly the bravest person I've ever used my dentistry skills on", and you could see the dental technician was thinking that as well, even from behind her full face mask.

However, If I was a World War II soldier, and had been captured behind enemy lines, and was thrown into a dark, dirty cell for interrogation by torture, and the torture was dental work, I would give away every secret ever entrusted to me within the first minute.

"Before I start up this drill (imagine saying this in a scary German accent, much like the ones used in Allo Allo, or perhaps a Japanese accent, not unlike Jackie Chan), you are going to tell us the whereabouts of your British base, and where your attack plans are, and....."
"Let me stop you there. There's no need to even plug the drill in, our base is in the old abandoned mine, and the attack plans are in the first desk of the makeshift office, second drawer down...."  I think you get the idea. Dentists are my nemesis.

So why is it that so many of them are rumoured to commit suicide? I'll tell you why. They get so pissed off with their dental technicians, who's sole job is to operate that weird sucking machine that sucks the water and saliva out of your mouth (but what they actually do is constantly stick it to your tongue, so you get to suffer a near death experience, as you slowly choke on your own mouth juices), that they feel totally undermined any undervalued, so go home and bury themselves alive under a heavy pile of £50 notes, that they have just been paid in their astronomical pay packet, and suffocate to death. Either that, or the theory that loads of dentists commit suicide is utter horse shit.