Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm aiming for the Oscars

Every time I sit and watch a film (not the really good ones like "Shaun of the Dead", "Heat" or "Sex and the City 2") whether it be at the cinema, or at home, I always think to myself "I could do better. I could write a much better, funnier film script". I am convinced that somewhere in my odd shaped head, there is an amazing, award winning, totally original movie script waiting to burst out, and that if I only knew how to write a movie script, it would be winging its way to a Hollywood director as we speak. It would have to be addressed to "Random Hollywood Director, Hollywood, USA", as unfortunately I don't know any Hollywood directors.

But my great master plan always falls at the first hurdle, mainly because I am awful at writing anything that isn't a postcard. Because let's face it, postcards are pretty easy to write. The only phrases you need are "having a lovely time", "the weather is lovely", "today we are going to the beach" and "wish you were here." By carefully changing the order of these set phrases, it's like writing a new short story every time.

In terms of writing a film script, I don't even want to start, because I fear that on my future Wikepedia page, it will say "Christian Orr, failed script writer of awful straight to DVD movie that no one can actually remember." More importantly, the mind numbing thought of sitting down for hour after hour to write something stops me from actually sitting down for hour after hour to write something.

It's weird, because every time I watch a film, I feel like i'm going to burst with the idea that I can do it. But, to be honest, that may just be IBS. One potential problem is that I have absolutely no idea of what the plot will be. Well, I have loads of ideas, but sadly they've already been done. I thought of a comedy time travel movie (Back to the Future/ Bill and Ted), a hilarious action movie about aliens/ zombies (Shaun of the Dead/ Paul/ Braindead), or a crap martial arts film with no real plot whatsoever, and just lots of slow motion roundhouse kicks (any Chuck Norris film). The thing about today's film and TV world is that you need to be original. That is the key to success.

What will almost certainly prevent my future film ever getting off the ground is that I obviously want to write and star in the film. I'm pretty sure in my head that I'd be the greatest action movie star in the history of action movies stars. However, my previous acting stints in school plays and amateur dramatics have been described as somewhat 'wooden'. This would be great if I was to star in an action movie about a hard as shit Pinnochio, but for any other type of film, useless. 

I want to write a stunning movie script where I can be the hard as nails action hero, defeat all evil henchmen and save the annoyingly stupid hot woman in approximately 110 minutes. I want the feeling of legging it up to a bad guy in his car after a lengthy and quite frankly impossible car chase, punching my hand through the window (without damaging any major arteries), grabbing him by the throat, and in one swift yet heroic move, dragging him out of the window (first ensuring he's undone his seat belt), karate chopping him in the face, and rendering him unconscious, before chuckling to myself and saying something amusing like 'You need an MOT', or 'You can't park there'. I want to write it before I'm too old to be seriously considered as an action hero, when the only lines I could get away with would be "I'm too old for this shit" and "I retire from MI5 tomorrow, I hope nothing bad happens on my last ever shift".

Or instead of an action hero, I want to be a detective working in a down town police station. My character is always angry but at the same time incredibly cool, where the Chief is a bitter man who has only seen action from behind a desk, smokes a massive cigar,can only talk by shouting, and I only use the phrases 'fuck you', 'eat shit' and 'kiss my ass' without any fear of discipline, or being put on the 6 steps to poor performance.

I suppose the great thing about writing the script is that I can say and do anything I want. I could take on the entire North Korean army in one massive, explosive laden, bullet ridden, over the top gun battle, with the only casualty being my freshly laundered white T shirt. I could be attacked by 20 professionally trained FBI agents, who have done nothing but learn how to take a man down for the last 10 years of their training, but defeat them all with what I've learned, which is basically chinese burns and wedgies.You never see the main star in a film getting knocked out with one punch or getting winded from a kidney chop so he can't get up, as happens in real fights on a Friday night, after the Nags Head has kicked out . That's the beauty of films. You can make it as unrealistic as possible. You could even, if you really wanted, make Piers Morgan popular. 

I also like to think i'd be a shit hot camera man, as I love filming whatever I can, whenever I can. However, after looking back at some of my videos, it looks like I am filming whilst on a treadmill, suffering the effects of Parkinsons, so maybe I should just concentrate on writing.

I think that it's the fact that we believe we can do anything we want that keeps us interested in life.And it keeps us hoping we can better ourselves. That's why being a kid is so much fun, because we imagine ourselves doing anything we want. It's only when we get older, that we realise we're actually shit at most things, and that laser quest is about as close as we'll ever get to shooting bad guys.

Right. Enough writing. That's it. I've made a decision. I'm going to watch 3 films in a row now to get me in the mood, and then I'm going to start writing my masterpiece. But, what I know will actually happen is that i'm going to watch 3 films, fall asleep after one and a half films, wake up, rewind the bit I've missed, watch the rest of the second film, and then not write anything because it looks way too hard.

By the way, Sex and the City 2 is total dog shit.


  1. But Sex and the City 1 is awesome ;o)

  2. Anything with "Sex and the City" in its title is drivel.